I didn't think that Granny would approve of Grandaddy torturing Uncle Bill like that. Not to mention Grandaddy has a heart problem and shouldn't be roaming the woods at night. Those woods can be dangerous (see story in March 2005 archives). So I told. She didn't say much, just stared off into space with a determined look in her eyes. I figured she take care of everything so I promptly forgot about the whole mess.
Later that night, I was sleeping in the guest bedroom when I heard a noise. I peeked out of the door and saw Grandaddy tiptoeing down the hall. I didn't know what to do. I thought Granny had taken care of his foolishness, but it looked as if he wasn't going to back down. So I went over to my window and pushed it up and open, then went out feet first.
The grass was wet with the rains we had had earlier and my feet were bare, but I continued on to the back porch where I saw Grandaddy holding his catywampus and slipping on his long coat. I was about to confront him when the back door opened again and Granny came out.
Uh oh, I thought. Now he's gonna get it. But to my surprise, Granny was putting on a white sheet! This was too much. Are they going nuts?
"Granny? What on earth are you doing?" I asked.
She looked over at me, startled, but recovering well. "Shhhh. I'm going to help your Grandaddy. And don't look at me that way," she said as I rolled my eyes. "Your Uncle Bill has shamed the family and needs his comeuppance. Here. I have an extra sheet, wanna be a ghost?" she said, holding out a light yellow twin size. Oh right, like I am going to dress up like a ghost, go trouncing out in the woods at midnight to scare my uncle.
Actually. It sounded like fun.
So off we went, walking through the back pasture, into the pine woods at the back of the property where Uncle Bill and Aunt Marlene lived in their double-wide trailer. We found a spot, not too far from the back door, but far enough that we could hide in the brush without anyone seeing us. Grandaddy began strumming the catywampus, making an eerie noise. Within five minutes, Uncle Bill poked his head out the back door.
He looked this way and that, but couldn't figure out where the noise was coming from. That was my and Granny's cue to do our ghostly stuff. We stepped out from behind the bushes and began to slowly glide around the glade, making no sounds. Uncle Bill screamed like a girl and slammed the back door shut! Grandaddy kept on strumming the catywampus while Granny and I started laughing under our breath so hard that we almost peed our pants. Plus we were trying to keep it down because we didn't want Uncle Bill to be suspicious.
Then Granny slipped in the muddy soil and fell, tangled up in her sheet. I could still hear Grandaddy's eerie music and him trying not to laugh when the door opened up again, this time it was Uncle Bill and some strange lady I had never seen before! Since I was bending down to help Granny get untangled, they couldn't see us. By this time, Granny was laughing so hard, she gave up and just lay there in the mud in her sheet.
I looked up and at that moment, I saw something that I can't explain. Right behind Uncle Bill's trailer was a ghostly white apparition, coming right for him. Grandaddy kept on strumming and I could see him staring too as it came closer and closer. Uncle Bill must have felt the presence because he slowly turned, terror on his face, and saw the white ghost floating towards him.
Again, he screamed, and the strange bleached-blonde trollop in his trailer turned and saw it too. They both hightailed it out of that trailer and into Uncle's Bill's Chevy faster than you can say black-eyed peas! Then he put the pedal to the metal and drove that car off towards town.
Stunned, I just stood there and watched the white thing come closer, then it just stopped in midair. It was Cooter McGhee! The tales were true! Our woods were haunted!
Granny had made it to her feet by that time and yelled over to Grandaddy to stop that infernal strumming on the catywampus. The music stopped.
"Ok, Marlene, you can come out now." Granny yelled. The back porch light came on and Aunt Marlene stepped out from behind the shed, calmly walked over to the apparition and took it down. When I got closer I could see it was just a sheet on a wire.
"Aunt Marlene? What is going on here?"
She paused in folding up the sheet, "Honey, I knew your uncle was carrying on behind my back, so when your Granny told me what Dad was up to, I decided to help out. Bill needs a good kick in the #@$%."
I have the weirdest family in Dixie, I swear. I learned a lot from that experience: my grandparents aren't old fogeys, they still have some life left in them and they are human like all of us, my Uncle Bill screams like a girl and is a cheater, and Aunt Marlene is a tough southern lady who isn't above scaring her husband witless instead of just shooting him with a shotgun.
As for me, I will always wonder if the ghost of Cooter McGhee is really out there somewhere, waiting for a chance to show himself. You never know.
Later that night, I was sleeping in the guest bedroom when I heard a noise. I peeked out of the door and saw Grandaddy tiptoeing down the hall. I didn't know what to do. I thought Granny had taken care of his foolishness, but it looked as if he wasn't going to back down. So I went over to my window and pushed it up and open, then went out feet first.
The grass was wet with the rains we had had earlier and my feet were bare, but I continued on to the back porch where I saw Grandaddy holding his catywampus and slipping on his long coat. I was about to confront him when the back door opened again and Granny came out.
Uh oh, I thought. Now he's gonna get it. But to my surprise, Granny was putting on a white sheet! This was too much. Are they going nuts?
"Granny? What on earth are you doing?" I asked.
She looked over at me, startled, but recovering well. "Shhhh. I'm going to help your Grandaddy. And don't look at me that way," she said as I rolled my eyes. "Your Uncle Bill has shamed the family and needs his comeuppance. Here. I have an extra sheet, wanna be a ghost?" she said, holding out a light yellow twin size. Oh right, like I am going to dress up like a ghost, go trouncing out in the woods at midnight to scare my uncle.
Actually. It sounded like fun.
So off we went, walking through the back pasture, into the pine woods at the back of the property where Uncle Bill and Aunt Marlene lived in their double-wide trailer. We found a spot, not too far from the back door, but far enough that we could hide in the brush without anyone seeing us. Grandaddy began strumming the catywampus, making an eerie noise. Within five minutes, Uncle Bill poked his head out the back door.
He looked this way and that, but couldn't figure out where the noise was coming from. That was my and Granny's cue to do our ghostly stuff. We stepped out from behind the bushes and began to slowly glide around the glade, making no sounds. Uncle Bill screamed like a girl and slammed the back door shut! Grandaddy kept on strumming the catywampus while Granny and I started laughing under our breath so hard that we almost peed our pants. Plus we were trying to keep it down because we didn't want Uncle Bill to be suspicious.
Then Granny slipped in the muddy soil and fell, tangled up in her sheet. I could still hear Grandaddy's eerie music and him trying not to laugh when the door opened up again, this time it was Uncle Bill and some strange lady I had never seen before! Since I was bending down to help Granny get untangled, they couldn't see us. By this time, Granny was laughing so hard, she gave up and just lay there in the mud in her sheet.
I looked up and at that moment, I saw something that I can't explain. Right behind Uncle Bill's trailer was a ghostly white apparition, coming right for him. Grandaddy kept on strumming and I could see him staring too as it came closer and closer. Uncle Bill must have felt the presence because he slowly turned, terror on his face, and saw the white ghost floating towards him.
Again, he screamed, and the strange bleached-blonde trollop in his trailer turned and saw it too. They both hightailed it out of that trailer and into Uncle's Bill's Chevy faster than you can say black-eyed peas! Then he put the pedal to the metal and drove that car off towards town.
Stunned, I just stood there and watched the white thing come closer, then it just stopped in midair. It was Cooter McGhee! The tales were true! Our woods were haunted!
Granny had made it to her feet by that time and yelled over to Grandaddy to stop that infernal strumming on the catywampus. The music stopped.
"Ok, Marlene, you can come out now." Granny yelled. The back porch light came on and Aunt Marlene stepped out from behind the shed, calmly walked over to the apparition and took it down. When I got closer I could see it was just a sheet on a wire.
"Aunt Marlene? What is going on here?"
She paused in folding up the sheet, "Honey, I knew your uncle was carrying on behind my back, so when your Granny told me what Dad was up to, I decided to help out. Bill needs a good kick in the #@$%."
I have the weirdest family in Dixie, I swear. I learned a lot from that experience: my grandparents aren't old fogeys, they still have some life left in them and they are human like all of us, my Uncle Bill screams like a girl and is a cheater, and Aunt Marlene is a tough southern lady who isn't above scaring her husband witless instead of just shooting him with a shotgun.
As for me, I will always wonder if the ghost of Cooter McGhee is really out there somewhere, waiting for a chance to show himself. You never know.
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