I don't know why I am posting this today, but I figure there are some of you out there that likes to read about other people's misery. I know this is totally 180 degrees off what I usually post, but seeing as I am a tad bit depressed, this is what you get.

Has anyone out there suffered depression? I have for almost 9 years now and I am sick of it. I have had therapy and I am on depression medication now, but nothing seems to work consistently. I am still having ups and downs.

I know what the doctor will say, "let's up your meds". Well, I don't want to. I don't want to be dependent on a pill for the rest of my life.

I have asked God to help me. So far, he hasn't answered. At least, not in a way I have heard.

When I had my first baby almost nine years ago, I suffered PPD, post partum depression. It was horrible. Much worse than now. It eventually went away until I had my second child. Then it came back. I felt hate, I felt deep sadness and I wanted to leave my family and just get away. That time I went to the doctor and asked for help.

I remember sitting there in the examining room and having him tell me that I had to stop nursing my baby if I wanted to go on the meds. It broke my heart and I broke down in tears. I wasn't ready to stop nursing and I felt as if my heart was being torn from my chest, but I stopped nursing and I took the meds.

It helped, but now and then I will have a period of depression that won't go away for a long time. Winter is one of those times. I hate winter and I hate the north during the winter. I am bitter because I can't move south and that hurts my marriage.

My husband is not going to like it that I am posting this. Oh well. But this is a journal and I feel the need to write it all down.

It sucks. It sucks a big donkey penis.